Umm I'm too high to move.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
