My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
