i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
thus making me awesome and them whores
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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