things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
