Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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