I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
