I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
