I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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