his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
