you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
