Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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