Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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