Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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