Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
