remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
