Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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