If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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