In America we eat man semen.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
