Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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