Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
