is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
