and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
