My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
