so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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