Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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