I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
