Jerry, you need to find god
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
