I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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