well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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