You work out of a Hotel?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
