so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
