Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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