I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
