Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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