Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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