Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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