you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
