I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
