so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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