hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
