I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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