just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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