I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
