atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
