Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
