just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
