If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
