captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
