Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
