I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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