i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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