I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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