I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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