I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
