Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
