I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just had sex on a roof
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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