I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
