i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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